This is all I have to give!

Some days, I wonder how in the world I ever thought I'd be a decent mom. I feel tired and stretched in ways I never imagined. Like so many other moms, I had this ideal picture of what motherhood would look like.

My daughter is almost 9. My bonus son is 7 1/2, and my little guy is 3 1/2. (I like bonus son much better than stepson. There's something more positive about a bonus!)

In May, we just finished our first year in homeschooling. It was something I'd wanted to do since Lily started kindergarten, but being pregnant with Caleb, I didn't feel the time was right. This past year, all of the pieces lined up just right and we dove into a whole new lifestyle. When you homeschool, it becomes a way of life instead of something you just 'do'.

I honestly think we're busier now than we were when Lily and Alex were in regular school. Oh my word.....between school work, adding fun things like field trips, co-op classes, private music lessons, play dates....my days are just as full as before, but in a different way. My mornings are less chaotic because I don't have to wake everyone up before the sun shines. (That's a HUGE blessing alone.) With the kids in 4th, 2nd, and preschool, our school days are pretty short, but we have the flexibility to incorporate other things in. This spring, we started watching the birds that came to our bird feeders and ended up doing a month long bird study! We even watched a nesting robin hatch two sets of babies. It was an amazing experience.

This wonderful journey that God has us on leaves me tired at times. I feel a huge responsibility to make sure my kids are properly prepared for life. But, I am also human. I am so glad that God will be able to fill in the gaps of where I fall short, as a mom, but as a teacher now too. That's not to say that I am leaving my children's education to chance....just that being a perfectionist by nature, there is no real way to homeschool 'perfect'. There is no perfect....only what works for each child individually.

While this adventure is draining at times and I feel utterly spent, there is such joy in my 3 year old asking to learn how to write his letters, in getting the paint out and studying famous artists, and in little 'rabbit trails' like our bird study. Homeschool is a sacrifice, but so is being a mom! I will not regret giving my kids this opportunity. It's all I have to give...to prepare them as much as possible for a great future in Jesus!

Being a Mom is Tough!

I am doing the "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" online Bible study. Today's topic is my mom story. Here it is.....

I got married the first time in August of 2004 to a man I hadn't known very long. During our first year of marriage, I found out I was expecting a little girl. I was also the step-mom to a 6 year old boy. It was the biggest disaster ever. Without going into the problem, it was only a couple months after my daughter, Lily, was born when I filed for divorce. (Please, no judgments!)

I set out to raise Lily on my own, living with my parents, as best as I could. I was a stressed out mom, taking care of a baby, going through a divorce, and living back in the house where I grew up. (It was a blessing, but there were days when it didn't feel that way.)

In 2008, my best friend, Carrie Anne, moved back closer to home. (She'd been two hours away.) I was so excited! Her son (Alex) and my daughter would become awesome play buddies!

In August of that year, my best friend was killed tragically in a car accident. Her husband, Dan, almost died. Her little boy was okay, thankfully. Alex was only 20 months old.

Once Dan came home from the hospital, I brought Lily over to play with Alex. Dan had so many questions about how to take care of a little boy. Being 14 months apart, Lily had gone through certain milestones, challenges, etc. before Alex would. I would give Dan advice on things I tried with Lily that worked. Dan and I bonded over parenting and stories of Carrie.

God used a tragic situation and brought the two of us closer together. In 2009, Dan and I got married. It was only six months after Carrie had died, but we both knew that God had planned for us to join our families. Dan and I were accused of many nasty things, including having an affair. Imagine how that felt! We were rejected by people who were supposed to be friends.

I found myself the mother of a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. I now started the task of becoming a mommy to my best friend's son.

Let me tell you, it's been a rough trip. I've put pressure on my self to be the PERFECT mom to Alex. A goal that is not reachable. I've made many mistakes along the way....but I love him to pieces. I've battled the "you're MY mom" jealousy from Lily, the struggle of seeing my best friend in Alex's face every day, and so many other things.

Lily is now almost 9. Alex is 7 1/2, and we have Caleb, who is 3 1/2.

Having a "his, hers, and theirs" dynamic gets interesting. Juggling Lily's visits with her dad, Alex's visits with his grandparents (who have also accepted Lily and Caleb as their grandkids), the extra family, and the sheer drama that comes with a blended family. Sometimes, I just want everyone to go away so we can just be our family of five. (Just being real.)

Dan and I have been married now for 5 1/2 years and we're doing well. I still fight the good mom/bad mom thing every day. I second guess the decisions I make. I often think "what would Carrie think of how I parent Alex?" and that is a very dangerous thought. When I go down that path, I find that I've had a rough day and I've been less than loving. Satan LOVES to tell me how inadequate I am to be Alex's mom.....but God gave him to me for a reason. My prayer so often is "God, change me! I want to be a better mom."

This is the first week of the study and already the most comforting thing is this: God does NOT see me as a bad mom. He sees me through his love.