This is all I have to give!

Some days, I wonder how in the world I ever thought I'd be a decent mom. I feel tired and stretched in ways I never imagined. Like so many other moms, I had this ideal picture of what motherhood would look like.

My daughter is almost 9. My bonus son is 7 1/2, and my little guy is 3 1/2. (I like bonus son much better than stepson. There's something more positive about a bonus!)

In May, we just finished our first year in homeschooling. It was something I'd wanted to do since Lily started kindergarten, but being pregnant with Caleb, I didn't feel the time was right. This past year, all of the pieces lined up just right and we dove into a whole new lifestyle. When you homeschool, it becomes a way of life instead of something you just 'do'.

I honestly think we're busier now than we were when Lily and Alex were in regular school. Oh my word.....between school work, adding fun things like field trips, co-op classes, private music lessons, play dates....my days are just as full as before, but in a different way. My mornings are less chaotic because I don't have to wake everyone up before the sun shines. (That's a HUGE blessing alone.) With the kids in 4th, 2nd, and preschool, our school days are pretty short, but we have the flexibility to incorporate other things in. This spring, we started watching the birds that came to our bird feeders and ended up doing a month long bird study! We even watched a nesting robin hatch two sets of babies. It was an amazing experience.

This wonderful journey that God has us on leaves me tired at times. I feel a huge responsibility to make sure my kids are properly prepared for life. But, I am also human. I am so glad that God will be able to fill in the gaps of where I fall short, as a mom, but as a teacher now too. That's not to say that I am leaving my children's education to chance....just that being a perfectionist by nature, there is no real way to homeschool 'perfect'. There is no perfect....only what works for each child individually.

While this adventure is draining at times and I feel utterly spent, there is such joy in my 3 year old asking to learn how to write his letters, in getting the paint out and studying famous artists, and in little 'rabbit trails' like our bird study. Homeschool is a sacrifice, but so is being a mom! I will not regret giving my kids this opportunity. It's all I have to give...to prepare them as much as possible for a great future in Jesus!

Being a Mom is Tough!

I am doing the "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" online Bible study. Today's topic is my mom story. Here it is.....

I got married the first time in August of 2004 to a man I hadn't known very long. During our first year of marriage, I found out I was expecting a little girl. I was also the step-mom to a 6 year old boy. It was the biggest disaster ever. Without going into the problem, it was only a couple months after my daughter, Lily, was born when I filed for divorce. (Please, no judgments!)

I set out to raise Lily on my own, living with my parents, as best as I could. I was a stressed out mom, taking care of a baby, going through a divorce, and living back in the house where I grew up. (It was a blessing, but there were days when it didn't feel that way.)

In 2008, my best friend, Carrie Anne, moved back closer to home. (She'd been two hours away.) I was so excited! Her son (Alex) and my daughter would become awesome play buddies!

In August of that year, my best friend was killed tragically in a car accident. Her husband, Dan, almost died. Her little boy was okay, thankfully. Alex was only 20 months old.

Once Dan came home from the hospital, I brought Lily over to play with Alex. Dan had so many questions about how to take care of a little boy. Being 14 months apart, Lily had gone through certain milestones, challenges, etc. before Alex would. I would give Dan advice on things I tried with Lily that worked. Dan and I bonded over parenting and stories of Carrie.

God used a tragic situation and brought the two of us closer together. In 2009, Dan and I got married. It was only six months after Carrie had died, but we both knew that God had planned for us to join our families. Dan and I were accused of many nasty things, including having an affair. Imagine how that felt! We were rejected by people who were supposed to be friends.

I found myself the mother of a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. I now started the task of becoming a mommy to my best friend's son.

Let me tell you, it's been a rough trip. I've put pressure on my self to be the PERFECT mom to Alex. A goal that is not reachable. I've made many mistakes along the way....but I love him to pieces. I've battled the "you're MY mom" jealousy from Lily, the struggle of seeing my best friend in Alex's face every day, and so many other things.

Lily is now almost 9. Alex is 7 1/2, and we have Caleb, who is 3 1/2.

Having a "his, hers, and theirs" dynamic gets interesting. Juggling Lily's visits with her dad, Alex's visits with his grandparents (who have also accepted Lily and Caleb as their grandkids), the extra family, and the sheer drama that comes with a blended family. Sometimes, I just want everyone to go away so we can just be our family of five. (Just being real.)

Dan and I have been married now for 5 1/2 years and we're doing well. I still fight the good mom/bad mom thing every day. I second guess the decisions I make. I often think "what would Carrie think of how I parent Alex?" and that is a very dangerous thought. When I go down that path, I find that I've had a rough day and I've been less than loving. Satan LOVES to tell me how inadequate I am to be Alex's mom.....but God gave him to me for a reason. My prayer so often is "God, change me! I want to be a better mom."

This is the first week of the study and already the most comforting thing is this: God does NOT see me as a bad mom. He sees me through his love.

Morning Prayer. #YestoGod

Lord Jesus,

I want to be a girl who says YES to you and means it with my whole heart. I want to do what you ask, when you ask and feel the joy of following you with fearless abandon. I want to be so full of joy that I want to dance (like my daughter in the living room). Lord, I know that I often focus on my circumstances, my issues, my "junk". Teach me to focus on you this day and every day. Help me stay focused on the prize, which is a glorious life in YOU! I ask, Lord, that you help mold me into a good model and example for my three children. I do not want them to fight food issues like I do, or have the self esteem and depression problems that I do. I cannot do any of this without you. I fall down every time I try. Lead me on the narrow path. Thank you for your love for me, your patience, and your unending mercy. This morning, I choose to say YES! to you. Help me hear your voice.

In Jesus Holy name,

Amen!

Radical Obedience

Titus 2:11-12 says that we are to give up godless living and sinful pleasures. For me, the sinful pleasure I need to give to God is my food addiction. This is something beyond me to do. I've tried every diet there is, exercise, you name it. I can only 'be good' just so long and then I fall. It's not something I can do in my own strength. God has been speaking to me about this for awhile and I still struggle. The difficulty I face is that I lose my focus. I need to keep my focus on HIM and not the process. When I start to think that I have to give up sugar forever, well, then that's the one thing I start to desire more.

Lysa TerKeurst says this: "We need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life. We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss." One obvious thing I will miss is not being able to keep up with my three kids. Plus my health is going to deteriorate and I will end up with medical issues.

She also asks this: "Am I willing to give up what I love to God who loves me more?" There are times when sadly, the answer is no. Today, I am willing to give up my food addiction.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." This passage was talking about fleeing sexual immorality, but it fits with taking care of your body for health as well.

This verse in Isaiah is especially comforting: Chapter 41, verse 13 says "For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Don't be afraid, I am here to help you." Why do I think that God would ask me to do something and then not help me accomplish it?! The enemy does not want me to succeed.

Here is my plan:
1. Seek God every morning for daily strength so I can be obedient.

2. Stop eating all types of refined sugar. I will only eat natural sources, like fruit.
**I will focus on eating healthy, whole foods.

3. Exercise 3 times a week for a month, then increase to 5 times a week.
**Couch to 5K program on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
**After 4 weeks, add a workout DVD on Monday and Friday.
**Sunday and Wednesday will be rest days.

4. When I am tempted to fall into an old trap, I will seek God and find a non-food replacement for the issue at hand.

I am starting today, but what I fear most is letting God down....being a disappointment. I think I will add positive encouragement throughout my house to help keep my focus on YES!

Tragedy into Beauty

This week, one blog topic is about a #SayWhat moment with God. I have had this happen, about 4 1/2 years ago. To understand the significance of my moment, you need to know how I got there. Here's the story.

It's been almost five years since my best friend, Carrie Anne, died. August 31 will be the 5 year anniversary of when she went to be the with Lord. I met Carrie Anne in 7th grade. She turned around in English class and asked me to borrow a pencil. Amazing how one small act can be the start of an 18 year friendship between two girls. Carrie Anne was the ONE person in the whole world that I could tell ANYTHING to and she simply loved me for who I was. She was also often the voice of truth in my life. We had the kind of friendship where we could be totally and brutally honest with one another, in love.

We were college roommates. I stood in her wedding. She came to mine. We went to each other's baby showers. Even when we lived two hours apart, when we were together, it was like we were never apart. When she and her husband moved back home in 2007, it was like I had won the lottery. My best friend was CLOSE! She had a son, in December of 2006, and my daughter was born in September of 2005. Lily and Alex were buddies. Carrie and I would take walks together, reminisce of our many memories, and talk about what the future might hold. We talked about how we wanted to raise our children. She was there for me during my divorce. We talked about her baby girl, due to be born in October. We imagined ourselves being little old ladies, sitting on a porch swing, talking proudly of our children and grandchildren.

September 1, 2008, as I was getting out of church, I checked my phone for messages. I saw that I had a call from Carrie, but no message. I called her phone back and her mom answered, with a tone in her voice that I knew immediately that something was horribly wrong. I figured it was something with the baby, until she told me about the car accident that had claimed Carrie's life and that of her unborn baby. She told me of how her husband, Dan, was flown to a hospital and he may not survive. Then she told me that Alex, who was only 20 months old, was okay and with family.

I sat in my car and sobbed, crying "Oh JESUS! NO!!!" My daughter, only 2 at the time, tried comforting me, saying "it's okay mommy." But she had no idea. Part of me died that day.

Dan was put into a medically induced coma as he worked to recover from a brain injury. He missed Carrie's funeral, being unable to released from the hospital. A network of prayers went up for Dan as the initial diagnosis was one of "he may never recover, he may never walk again, he may never...". God had different plans. After 19 days of being in the hospital, Dan came home, able to walk, talk, and do most everything as before. He had several broken vertebrae, a broken scapula, and some broken ribs, along with his head trauma.

Once he was home and able to do more on his own, Dan got Alex back. It was then that I brought Lily over for visits, so the kids could play as before. Dan and I would talk about parenting and our memories of Carrie. The more Dan and I talked, the more we bonded. The more we bonded, the more we shared. By November, we were talking up to 7 hours at a time, usually in the evening. Little subtle flirts started happening by both of us and most of it was surprising to us. One night, as we were talking via online chat, I heard God say that I was going to marry Dan. Say What?! But I knew that I knew that it was going to happen. Then we started to actually outwardly share our feelings and I told Dan what God told me. Dan confirmed that he knew it was supposed to be as well.

December that year, Dan proposed and I accepted. Not wanting to wait too long, to give Alex a normal life again, we talked to my Pastor and he agreed (knowing the whole situation) that we could be married quickly. February 15, 2009, I became Dan's wife, just six months after Carrie died. We got a lot of flack for our decision. We lost friends, people accused us of terrible things, and people chose to be hurt, but we were just trying to be obedient to God.

Today, we've been married 4 1/2 years. Lily is almost 8. Alex is 6 1/2 and knows me as his mom. He also knows about his mommy Carrie and that he has a sister in Heaven named Chelsea. We also have Caleb, who is 2 1/2. It hasn't been an easy journey, but it's one that's been rewarding. You never know what will happen when you say yes to God, but it's always going to be worth it.



"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." ~Romans 8:28

Carrie Anne

#PalmsUP

I am participating in the "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" online Bible study. The question asked is "What is holding you back in going deeper in your relationship with God?" For me, most of it is the fear that I will be asked to give up too much. It's a selfish reason. The one main area that God wants me to say yes to is surrendering food issues to Him. I am overweight, out of shape, and I need to get my body healthier. This requires a major sacrifice for me. I wrestle with this daily. The Word says that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). Our memory verse for week 1 is Deuteronomy 6:5 "Love The Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." To live out this verse, I need to say Yes! to God daily in my food choices and in exercising. To be honest, I need help. I think if I had an accountability partner to help lift me up and encourage me through this. I have yet to find this. With palms up, I will pray and ask God for the right partner to help me in this. I want to be a YES girl of God's. Today, I say yes God, I will trust you and surrender my food issues to You. ">